Thursday, June 2, 2016

More Memories of Aviv

I'm still awake.

I am working on a project tonight, but V slept earlier than usual. So, here I am, watching some of the videos we have of Aviv. I feel like a lunatic, smiling, and then bawling-- then smiling again. I miss my daughter so much. I want to see her face, her reactions towards the things she encounters. But whenever I look at her photos, I am overcome with extreme sadness.

There are some things that I'm remembering now, of when Aviv was still alive. She had so many guardians-- in the form of strangers, even. One was this woman, who, as we carried Aviv in our baby sling while we waited for a taxi, came up to us and told us to take extra care when using a sling. Another was this little boy. V used to see him walk by our street with his puppy. V observed that the boy had command over his puppy (which was an aspin), too. One night, while we tried to lull Aviv to sleep, there was a knock on the door. It was the boy (with his puppy). He asked if we had spare shorts for him, because his was dirty and he wanted to shower and change his shorts. Unfortunately, we didn't have one that could fit him. So he went away without a change of clothes. I don't think we ever saw him again after that. But I found it really strange that, of all the units at our compound", he knocked on our door. I don't know... I just remembered that. I don't even really know how I can say that the boy was a guardian. But during that time, I just had this strange feeling.

Aviv's name came to me suddenly. Granted, I did a bit of researching. But both her names sort of just came to me. And when I asked V about it, he loved the name right away.

Aviv also had her needs provided. From the essentials that we received from family and friends, to the contests that we won in birthing class, to the natural and practical birthing experience we shared, down to the breast milk that nourished her. Maybe it was so, that we won't have to worry about those things anymore. We were spared of the worry for her "everyday needs", so we could focus and enjoy her life.

Sunday, May 22, 2016

A Letter to My Angel Baby

Dearest Aviv,

I miss you everyday. I hope you are having fun in Heaven.

I think about you all the time. Sometimes, I even dream about you. In some of them, you are happy with me and daddy. But in most of the other dreams, you are still sick, and I feel guilty and at fault and helpless. I sometimes wake up in tears, baby girl. I try hard not to think about the hospital, but there are moments when they seem to just come in full force.

Aviv, I have news for you. You are going to be an ate now. We don't know if your sibling is a boy or a girl, but his/her facial features (or at least the ones we saw via ultrasound) are like yours. I imagine you'd be happy with this, even if you're just a year and a half now. I think you'd be a good ate. But since you are stars away, I hope you will still watch over your baby brother or sister from there. We are getting ready for Munchkin's arrival (still a few months to go).

I will always keep you in my heart, my sweet Aviv. Please thank Abba for giving us time to spend with you. I love you, Aviv.


Thursday, January 21, 2016

I Miss You, My Aviv

Feels weird to write here again.

Today's January 21. In four days, it will be four months since my baby girl left this world. I miss her so much, my heart aches everyday. And everyday, I wish that she was still here, happily, healthily playing with us.

We didn't know that would happen to her---Meckel's diverticulum. In all the months she spent with us prior to that, we never suspected she had a congenital anomaly. My baby was always, always laughing. Her development was on track. She could wave and say "hi" or "bey bey" (bye bye). We took good care of her: we fed her only fresh fruits and vegetables and organic meat and rice. She was breastfed exclusively. We took great care whenever we cleaned her bottom, and she never had diaper rash. We used gentle baby cleansers for her baths. We practiced babywearing. We avoided chemicals and vaccines, because we wanted what was natural for her. We used baby-friendly detergent for her things. We spent most of our time with her, playing and interacting with her, so that she'd learn a lot of new things everyday. We wanted what we thought was best for our daughter.

But none of it really mattered in the end, because even as we tried hard to shield her from all the "germs" and "bad bacteria" of the outside world, we didn't know that it was her insides that were going to be in trouble.

I'm not going to write here what happened when we were at the hospital, because frankly, I don't want to relive that part anymore. I just want to remember all the happy times V and I have spent with our daughter. It's hard, though, because even if I try hard not to think about her last month on earth, sometimes it just creeps up on you and hits you.

I had things planned before it happened. I wanted us to travel together as a family. We began a "family tradition". Sometimes I ask myself why this had to happen. Why she had to have that condition. Why she didn't survive. Why she had to go before us.


Some people told me that things are going to be okay, and that we should just make another baby. I guess that's okay, and another baby is another blessing. But I just want people to know that, another baby won't replace her in our hearts.


She looks so much like me, that, whenever I see my childhood photos, I think it's her.


Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Birthing Memories

Baby's finally out!

It's been eighteen and a half weeks, actually, since she popped out. Haha. I just couldn't find the time.

It all started on Tuesday, when I had my 38th week check-up. The resident doctor (who, by the way, was my sister's gradeschool classmate) did an IE and told me that I was already in early labor. I was 3cm dilated, and 50% effaced. Still a long way until active labor, but we decided that I start my Maternity Leave already.

I was feeling some cramping in my abdomen, but since it was my first pregnancy, I didn't know if it was game time already.

Anyway, Wednesday and Thursday came and went with me feeling fine. There were contractions, but they were manageable. Then, early Friday, the contractions started happening more frequently. I tried sleeping through them, but I couldn't. It was, so far, the "worst" cramping that I felt, so we rushed to the hospital.

Upon (the super painful) examination, I was told that my dilation still hadn't progressed. In short, we were sent home. Haha. After a quick nap at home, we did some grocery shopping.

Saturday night, I was getting a bit irritable and the contractions were longer and more frequent. But we avoided going to the hospital because we might get sent home again. By 6pm, I was getting more and more irritable, and I felt like I needed to go to the hospital already. Still, I tried to relax in bed, while we watched a YouTube video. Around 7pm, I decided to take a shower, in case things get real. Everything was starting to ache like crazy, I had such a difficult time in the bathroom! V called my mom, who hurried to help us ready the hospital bags. I wanted to leave for the hospital right away, but my mom decided to pray for me first. Haha. Normally, I'd be grateful for that, but at that time, I was in so much pain already that I had to ask her to stop.

Around 9pm, we arrived at the hospital. The guards wanted me to take a wheelchair but I refused; I still wanted to walk to the maternity area.

As we got there, the nurses gave me the routine check-up. The resident doctor also IE'd me. I remember not being able to answer their questions anymore because of the pain of the contractions coupled with the pain from the IE. The doctor, then, exclaimed that I was already at 8cm. In short, I was admitted.

After that, things were kind of a blur already. They wheeled me to the HRPU Labor Room (they don't allow husbands at the regular labor rooms, so we opted for the HRPU Labor Room instead), where I waited for only about 30 minutes---the residents were trying everything to distract me, while V hurried to settle the hospital stuff.

Right after, I was brought into the Delivery Room. The residents "coached" me to push whenever there was a contraction coming. I remember feeling so tired and sleepy in between the pushing. V came in soon after, wearing scrubs. The delivery room was quiet and calm, save for the chatter of the doctors and nurses. Not what I expected from all those hospital drama shows I've watched in the past. I guess that prompted my OB to ask V if we had prepared our "soundtrack". Haha. So V hurried to get his laptop, and soon enough, I was pushing to Ella FItzgerald's Lullabye of Birdland.

After another hour and a half of pushing, awkward belly-prodding (by the residents) and more pushing, the baby finally popped out. Wheeew!

V, then, exclaimed that it was a girl.

After the baby was placed on my chest, V was asked to cut the umbilical cord. Some of the residents congratulated me, and then off I went to the recovery room.

Hoo, boy. What a crazy, crazy experience. It still feels as if it happened just yesterday, even if my baby is now a few kilos heavier.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Mommymundo Clearance Sale 2014

Yesterday, V and I went to the MommyMundo Clearance Sale at Fun Ranch, Tiendesitas. I really wanted to go, because I read that they'd be giving big discounts for the stuff that I wanted for Burger. But I was having reservations, since my friends are throwing a baby shower for us at the end of the month and I didn't want to double the stuff for Burger.

Anyway, there wasn't an entrance fee at the bazaar, but we did have to register at the door. We were given sample bottles of Moringga-O herbal insect repellent, plus copies of Urban Mom magazine.

I was hoping that the bazaar was going to be as huge as the ones at the World Trade Center, but sadly, it was smaller than I expected. Nonetheless, the booths sold interesting stuff. I didn't think we'd be able to buy anything from the MommyMundo bazaar, but we came home with a pack of BabyCubes and Baby K'tans, yay!

In some online stores, the BabyCubes go for about P500. But at the bazaar, we scored them for P450. And then, we were able to get the organic cotton K'tans for only P2,600. They sell for P2,990 at Baby Company, so that's a great deal. Taking My Baby Dragon's advice, we opted for an XS K'tan. I sure hope we got the right size!

I wanted to buy a pair of Bensimons, too, but when I tried them on, the soles seemed too thin for me. Oh well. Maybe I'll just get another pair of Vans. Haha.

At the Nurture Nook booth, I saw some cute pairs of baby booties. Too bad, we still don't know what Burger's gender is. Haha, effective shopping prevention right there.

I'm not sure if Cudsly had a booth at the MommyMundo bazaar, but I also want to buy the sleeper from them already. Maybe I'll just have to buy it online after the baby shower.

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